"We will burn, but we will not burn up"

"We spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better." (-Chuck Palahniuk, Choke) When I sit down and surround myself with music, movies, and literature, THAT is when I truly find my peace. My wisdom. My mind is constantly flickering like a candle with thoughts and ideas, awaiting to be unleashed into a wildfire. I keep an ongoing noise in the background in order to quiet down my brain and keep me focused.


I have started a small book collection that I cannot burn through fast enough. It is difficult for me to move on to a new book until I finish the one I'm currently on. I pick up a book and the next thing I know I am adding 3 more to my shelf. There is something empowering and inspirational about reading a great book. You feel close to the characters, begin to reach a state of peace and/or happiness; and when you finish it, oh when you close a truly remarkable piece of literature, you feel as though you may conquer the world!



I have been reading a lot of Chuck Palahniuk quotes online (and collecting his books in an excitement to read them all, one after the other). He is so inspiring to me. He knows his stuff and passes on his wisdom with each book cast in his name.


I almost always have music or movies playing in the background when I can. In fact, as I am scribing these words down to paper, my subconscious is humming along to the great gig in the sky. There is just something, and I'm sure you all know the feeling, about listening to a wonderful journey, or even just a catchy groove. There is something special in a great record that makes you want to close your eyes and just... be. That is one thing I honestly could not live without. I love, more than anything in the world, to just lay down, turn the lights off, and completely and utterly lose myself to the picture these amazing artists are painting with their instruments. When you hear the roar of Robert Plant's voice, or the pounding behind Portnoy's drums. Even the many crazy, psychedelic tones of the Beatles or Pink Floyd is enough to leave you in ecstasy. "And I am not frightened of dying, any time will do, I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime. If you can hear this whispering you are dying. I never said I was frightened of dying." (-Roger Waters, Pink Floyd. The Great Gig In The Sky) And I'm not. Having that alone time seems to calm me.


When I do get a little heated or frustrated, however, one of my favorite things to do is to play my drums. I sit down upon that throne and play until my knuckles can no longer continue, or at least until someone gets pissed off. :)

Walking away from that drum set, covered in sweat, muscles aching, ears ringing, mind clear. Let me tell you, there aren't many more feelings in this world that can top that.


I feel most at peace when I am being true to myself. Sure, I love going out with friends, learning in school, earning a paycheck everyday, but sometimes there are those moments when you just need to search your own soul for some silence and wisdom. Don't let ANYONE tell you you are someone you are not. It is so dire, so important that each and every one of you find that special something that lets you learn more about yourself. "A free lesson in growing up. Make the best of their worst, and never compromise what you feel is right. I make a point to be powerful when I speak; be the one that gives them nightmares when they sleep. Never back down from anyone." (-A Day To Remember, Show 'em The Ropes)

If I could only see me now..

I have only shown this to a few, chosen people before now. It is kind of a brief look into me and the goings-on in my head. Enjoy.



I like classic rock and horror. I dig chicks with tattoos, and I think piercings are sexy. I am too lazy to workout, even though I tell myself to just about every day. I would have much more body art if I could afford it. I am in constant fear of my cancer coming back, yet I am not afraid of death. I have been used as a pincushion for years of chemotherapy and am able to swallow handfuls of pills at the same time. I sweat when I slumber and shower daily. I sometimes have trouble getting to sleep, however never have trouble staying up. I can't turn off my phone, but am almost never happy at who calls me. I want to grow up, but never want to grow old. I play video games in reality and pretend real life is a game. I stalk on the internet, but hide in real life. I think I am weak, but show that I am strong. I'm too damn confused to know what I am doing, but always have a plan to keep moving forward. My best friends influence me when I am heading towards Hell. My hand basket is full of unread literature and overheard music. An angel keeps me moving as he heels a Black Dog. I think I am Going to California when I'm just standing still. Still, that hideous strength that bodes well, seems to falter underneath it all. As I fall from my cathedral, I look up at red skyes and grasp my ribs in anticipation. I hit the floor running, but stand in one spot. My mind is friends with Plato, but gets lost alongside Descartes. I tend to be truant, but time is on my side. Money comes and goes, but I don't know how to spend it. Love flows in one ear and dances on my tongue while I see the ones I swoon over get plucked like daisies. I may not be a writer, but I know how to talk. My hand can't move fast enough for my thoughts as my mind does jumping jacks. I try to quiet it all by making a lot of noise, and that's how I like it. Keep moving forward or the boogey man will get'cha. My life is in Chas plus a big "O" makes peace. My paper is a battlefield and my pen is the cannon. So strap on that kevlar, because it's never going to end. No sir, it is never going to-